The Most Interesting Person in the World

Lauren’s Message to the Animal Community

Posted on: May 24, 2011

Why can’t I keep a cockroach as a pet?

It’s too bad that I can’t communicate with them. Otherwise we could have a great thing going. I would level with tiny-but-huge friend. I would say, “Look dude, we both have a lot in common. We both love this apartment*. And we both share a lifestyle conducive to leaving crumbs on the floor. Also, we both oppose the concept of you leaving droppings on the floor. Okay, maybe it’s just me who opposes that, but I feel it strongly enough for the two of us. And like a secret love affair, I want to keep you hidden from family and friends. So let’s make a deal. Spend you free time in clean areas and stay away from bacteria. This is for your own good, too. And late at night, when it’s dark and you know I’m sleeping, and nobody else is around, come out from hiding and eat all the crumbs on my floor. Hey, I’ll even throw in non-food items, like paper scraps and threads. You can eat that stuff too, no charge. Also hair and moth balls and dust. I am like the best pet-owner ever. But the rest of the time, you gotta stay hidden. If you break that rule, one of my friends very likely will kill you, and I can’t do much to stop them cause you breached our contract. And once I get over the heartbreak, I will probably just find an ant to replace you.”

*Not that I currently have any cockroaches, but if I were to find one, that is what I would assume. Cause I sure love this apartment, so why shouldn’t an animal?


2 Responses to "Lauren’s Message to the Animal Community"

You know, there’s this whole creepy thing about them able to reproduce asexually. You should include something about that in your contract. Maybe they should really see your place as more of a hostel while they’re passing through town, rather than a permanent place of residence.

Really? Cockroaches reproduce asexually?

That’s not what wikipedia has to say:

They are like blueberry bushes that way.

hmmm… a cockroach hostel. That could make things really interesting. Could I create little beds for them, give a curfew and sell them beer?

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